i know today isn't mother's day yet, but i've been waxing thoughtful on subjects involving motherhood lately. one time i was rocking my toddler in the late hours of the night after he had woken up, and i was resting my cheek on his fuzzy little head, and i was thinking how i would just keep holding tight to him as long as he would let me. there's always a little cracking in my heart when he pulls away.
also my oldest, who is learning so much so quickly that it sometimes astounds me. whenever she guesses how to spell something, or knows what sound a letter makes, or wants to hug me an extra time, i'm just so grateful that i get to be her mom.
maybe you've sensed a big "BUT" coming, and there is one, although not in the way it might seem. what i'm trying to say is that this "but" doesn't cancel out AT ALL what i said before. i still love my kids, i'm still filled with awe by them, and i'm still grateful that i get to be their mom.
BUT sometimes i think about my other dreams, no matter how far-fetched they are: going back to school to get a masters' or phd, starting to run again, taking a photography class and being a really good photographer, teaching yoga (which is the most far-fetched of all right now, considering the shape i'm in)...really the list goes on and on. it involves traveling, dancing, drawing, and all kinds of other time-consuming and leaving-the-house measures.
i don't really have or make time for any of these dreams right now, and that is my own fault. sometimes it's difficult enough for me to get through the day with my kids fed, clothed, and somewhat happy.
right now as i try to grab a minute to myself to write this, c. is grabbing the keyboard and yelling at me for not letting him pound it.
how do i get back in the habit of chasing my dreams? how do i balance being a great mom and a well-rounded person who enjoys things other than children? i'm trying not to feel selfish for even asking these questions...
a new bike with a retro vibe. my current bike could probably be considered retro since i got it for christmas when i was about 11. but there's something kind of wonky about one of the wheels, and let's face it, it just doesn't ride like it used to. plus, i'd love to take my kids on bike rides on something that looked like this.
a nikon d40. this one, i know, is a major not-necessity, and so expensive, but oh, how i want one! they take such beautiful pictures, and really, when you consider what i'm taking pictures of most of the time (my kiddies) then it's impossible to have too nice of a camera, right? i mean, right??
a piano. about this, i am not going to be picky. any old piano will do, as long as the keys are all there and it stays in tune relatively well. let me just say that i took piano lessons for years, maybe 8 years, of my adolescent life (and organ lessons for a summer.) without a piano to look at and pound on and practice "clair de lune" on, i must say, there's a bit of a hole in my heart.
aaahhh. a sewing machine. sometimes i wonder how much of this desire is based in fantasy and how much in reality. i do know how to sew, and i have all these fantasies of creating beautiful sundresses for m. out of awesome vintage fabrics. but in all truth, i wonder how much i'd really use it...i want to say "ALL THE TIME!" but this is one of those, wouldn't know until you try kind of things, i'm thinkin'.
