i know today isn't mother's day yet, but i've been waxing thoughtful on subjects involving motherhood lately. one time i was rocking my toddler in the late hours of the night after he had woken up, and i was resting my cheek on his fuzzy little head, and i was thinking how i would just keep holding tight to him as long as he would let me. there's always a little cracking in my heart when he pulls away.
also my oldest, who is learning so much so quickly that it sometimes astounds me. whenever she guesses how to spell something, or knows what sound a letter makes, or wants to hug me an extra time, i'm just so grateful that i get to be her mom.
maybe you've sensed a big "BUT" coming, and there is one, although not in the way it might seem. what i'm trying to say is that this "but" doesn't cancel out AT ALL what i said before. i still love my kids, i'm still filled with awe by them, and i'm still grateful that i get to be their mom.
BUT sometimes i think about my other dreams, no matter how far-fetched they are: going back to school to get a masters' or phd, starting to run again, taking a photography class and being a really good photographer, teaching yoga (which is the most far-fetched of all right now, considering the shape i'm in)...really the list goes on and on. it involves traveling, dancing, drawing, and all kinds of other time-consuming and leaving-the-house measures.
i don't really have or make time for any of these dreams right now, and that is my own fault. sometimes it's difficult enough for me to get through the day with my kids fed, clothed, and somewhat happy.
right now as i try to grab a minute to myself to write this, c. is grabbing the keyboard and yelling at me for not letting him pound it.
how do i get back in the habit of chasing my dreams? how do i balance being a great mom and a well-rounded person who enjoys things other than children? i'm trying not to feel selfish for even asking these questions...