Saturday, May 10, 2008

mother's day cunundrum

i know today isn't mother's day yet, but i've been waxing thoughtful on subjects involving motherhood lately. one time i was rocking my toddler in the late hours of the night after he had woken up, and i was resting my cheek on his fuzzy little head, and i was thinking how i would just keep holding tight to him as long as he would let me. there's always a little cracking in my heart when he pulls away.

also my oldest, who is learning so much so quickly that it sometimes astounds me. whenever she guesses how to spell something, or knows what sound a letter makes, or wants to hug me an extra time, i'm just so grateful that i get to be her mom.

maybe you've sensed a big "BUT" coming, and there is one, although not in the way it might seem. what i'm trying to say is that this "but" doesn't cancel out AT ALL what i said before. i still love my kids, i'm still filled with awe by them, and i'm still grateful that i get to be their mom.

BUT sometimes i think about my other dreams, no matter how far-fetched they are: going back to school to get a masters' or phd, starting to run again, taking a photography class and being a really good photographer, teaching yoga (which is the most far-fetched of all right now, considering the shape i'm in)...really the list goes on and on. it involves traveling, dancing, drawing, and all kinds of other time-consuming and leaving-the-house measures.
i don't really have or make time for any of these dreams right now, and that is my own fault. sometimes it's difficult enough for me to get through the day with my kids fed, clothed, and somewhat happy.
right now as i try to grab a minute to myself to write this, c. is grabbing the keyboard and yelling at me for not letting him pound it.
how do i get back in the habit of chasing my dreams? how do i balance being a great mom and a well-rounded person who enjoys things other than children? i'm trying not to feel selfish for even asking these questions...


D'Arcy said...

jo, you are not the only one who asks this, and your asking it doesn't mean you are a bad any means. It means you are human. You have dreams, everyone does, and having them doesn't make the reality you are living any less lovely or important.

I have been in an interesting position the last 10 years. For the last ten years I have seen friend after friend marry and have children. It's been interesting because I have gone on to live the lives that a lot of them really wanted to (sans the yoga class....I'm not in that kind of shape either lol!) I have traveled, I have lived in foreign countries, I have improved my photography and painting and talents in other ways. I have gotten a master's degree from a prestigious school, I work at a successful job, I am starting my PhD this summer......and well, somehow, I've just been thinking how much I would like a baby.

So, even though we are happy and content with our lives, dreaming always gives us something more to aim for. Your kids will grow, giving you more time for your personal dreams, I'll get married and have kids one day and give room for those dreams.

That's the awesome thing about life! We still have so much to look forward to!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Jo, just catching up on the blog world..
I know how you feel about chasing dreams. The sad thing is that I didn't chase them hard enough when I had the chance. I NEVER got my degree, but hey, YOU DID! You have been to foreign countries, and I have never even stepped foot across the US border! You have learned foreign languages, and you are very savvy when it comes to culture. Just think about how that helps you be such an awesome Mom--you are teaching your kids to spread their wings too! And M is so incredibly smart, and she has always been so level headed! You should ponder more on the awesome things you have accomplished, and say to yourself, someday, I'm gonna get even further!