Tuesday, August 19, 2008
the truth, vol. 2: the pills that you take to stay happy
i'm the only 28 year old that i know of who has a pill organizer. (let me know if there are any others out there, we could form some kind of support group!) i was quite embarrassed just buying it, like a teenaged girl who has to buy a box of tampons on her own for the first time. but i thought it would make my life a little easier not to have to rack my brains thinking, "did i already take that pill today?" so into the shopping cart it went. and i felt like an eighty year old for a little while until i got over it.
the truth is that i've been on more medications than i can remember since i was diagnosed with depression. i guess i've been on it and off it for about 5 years now (probably mostly on.) i've taken prozac, zoloft, wellbutrin, cymbalta, effexor, wellbutrin xl, and a few more, including the one i'm on now. there have been times when i was so frustrated about side effects, figuring out dosage, doctor's bills and pharmacy receipts, repeating my medical history yet again to another new doctor who only might be able to help, worrying and praying over the safety of breastfeeding or being pregnant while being on meds; that i have given up. i've given up more than once. but i guess i didn't give up permanently because i'm still trudging on. i can say that while nothing has really helped me feel great, the stuff i'm on now has probably helped me the most, which i'm really grateful for.
even though i have bad days, (like today: i forgot to take a pill yesterday, and today has been quite bad,) and days when i feel like it's horrible that i have to rely on medication to make me feel almost normal, most of the time i'm just glad to have it. i can't imagine living in a time when they didn't have anything to help people like me and maybe some of them ended up getting locked away. (have you read "the yellow wallpaper" by charlotte perkins gilman? yikes.) there are so many things to be grateful for, and one of these days i'll get around to posting about the blessings of having depression. until then, you have some belle & sebastian lyrics to keep you company:
i said goodbye to someone that i love.
it's not just me, i tell you it's the both of us.
and it was hard, like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy.