Friday, July 25, 2008
the truth, vol. 1
hi. this is me. and this is me telling the truth. by writing this post i am breaking at least two of the unofficial rules i've developed for myself since traveltwin and i started this blog. first rule: no pictures of myself (too embarrassing.) second rule: no talking about depressing stuff. you see, depression has become kind of a bad word in my family ever since i was diagnosed with it almost 5 years ago. so i guess this blog was a place to present my happy family: cute kids, cute husband, cute stuff that i see and like...but the truth is that i'm leaving a huge part of my life out.
a few posts back i wrote about how much is the right amount to share in blogland. i guess i was searching for boundaries and wondering if i should talk about my depression in a place which i've strived to make cheerful and happy. i wanted to have one place in my life where people didn't know me as "that depressed chick." or worry about me, or any of the stuff that comes along with depression.
here is the truth. i just want to get it off my chest.
my names is jo****. i've been married 6 years and a mom 5 of those. i've been depressed all of them (lucky husband, huh?) i've gained a lot of weight since i became depressed. i'm not going to say how much, because even in this spirit of truth-telling, it's just too embarrassing. hence, the no pictures of me on the blog rule.
dealing with depression for most of the past six years has led to some interesting challenges: i've lost the ability i used to have to be completely at ease with people and to make fast friends. depression has driven me inside, into the dark, of my own house and my own mind, where, a lot of times, i'm ashamed to say, i've missed out on things because the thought of going made me nervous, or because i didn't want people who knew me when i was healthy and fit and happy to see what i look like now (i know, vanity, vanity.) one of the main problems for me about dealing with depression while being a stay-at-home mom has been that simple things seem way too hard to accomplish. for instance: i lost my driver's license because when mine was set to expire, i just couldn't go in and take the test. it just seemed too hard. so instead i didn't drive for about two years of my life. last year was a big milestone for me because i bucked up and took the driving test (it had been so long since my license expired that i had to do the actual driving test, as in when someone evaluates your driving in your car.) and i got my license back. just being able to get out has helped my depression immensely. another for instance: i can't tell you how many days i would walk into the kitchen, see the sink overflowing with dishes and the counters full of stuff needing to be put away, and just thinking, "i can't do this. i just can't. it's just too hard." when i'm well i think, "i'll just do one load of dishes" or "i'll just put away a couple of things" but the depressed version of me can't fathom that. it is just all too overwhelming.
for a long time i thought, if i can just get back to the person i used to be before i was depressed, things would be so good! it's taken me years to realize that that person is gone, that i can't ever be her again. i can get better, i can even recover (hopefully) from depression someday, but i can never be the person i was before all this came into my life. all i can pray is that eventually it will make me an even stronger, better person than i ever was before.
thanks for reading my confession...i'm not giving up on the happy family/cute stuff blog, i just wanted to be able to talk about this too. and having you here means so much to me.